December 10, 2003

BATF Chief to Focus on Music Anti-Piracy

Washington DC (BS) - The director of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco,
Firearms, and Explosives is leaving his post next month to lead the
recording industry's efforts to stop music piracy. Bradley A. Buckles,
who served the ATF for 30 years, will head the Anti-Piracy Unit of the
Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA), the trade group
announced Tuesday.

It has been rumored that the real reason Hilary Rosen, former Chief
Executive of the RIAA, retired for "personal reasons" earlier this year
was due to her inability to stop music terrorists from pirating works
over the Internet from sites such as Napster. Word leaking out of
certain government offices located in Washington DC is that pier-to-pier
programming and file servers for music file swapping services most
likely originated in Southwest Asia by unnamed conservative religious
fanatics. Allegedly, these unnamed organizations "Are intent on
economically damaging US music labels because these firms actively
produce music videos with explicit sexual content and then spread them
across the world via satellite downlink as part of a capitalist plot to
subvert sensible culture and the morality of teens and young adults"
according to one highly placed government source. "Unfortunately, as a
result we are loosing the war on music terrorism, as evidenced by the
fact that many top music executives and recording artists are now flying
first class instead of private jet".

"Despite the heavy support of lawmakers from New York, New Jersey, and
Southern California, certain unpatriotic senators and congressman from
flyover states have blocked legislation mandating mandatory heavy prison
sentences and hefty fines for criminal teenagers and their complacent
parents. Since the promise of campaign contributions and back channel
money haven't worked, we have been forced to rely on highly publicized
lawsuits to ensure compliance. Despite our best efforts, quite frankly
the terrorists still have the upper hand, and if we don't stop it now
future generations of music executives and entertainers will be at a
huge risk of reduced incomes. By the way, if the terrorists win there
will be less taxes paid to the US Treasury, so preserving the current
music industry distribution system is definitely in the best interest of
the taxpayer and the long term security interests of our great nation
and democracy throughout the world."

When pressed for comments, an anonymous RIAA official stated "After a
hearing on Capital Hill regarding Internet file sharing problems, a
couple of senators from New York and New Jersey quietly suggested we
chat with the BATFE to brainstorm more creative solutions to this music
terrorism threat."

"After chatting with Brad's people, we were most impressed with their
example on how they have slowed the spread of hobby high power rocketry
through the use of bureaucratic techniques, and we figure that a new
Internet File Swapping Permit (IFSP) modeled after the BATFE's low
explosive permit program would help us contain this economic terrorist
threat. The simple association of the BATF "brand" fear factor in the
minds of otherwise law abiding Americans is worth Brad's salary alone,
even if he doesnt really accomplish anything meaningful in his new
position."

"Rosen's inability to stop music terrorists from preying on innocent
recording labels and duping teenagers into committing illegal acts has
definitely required us to bring in some really big guns.....no pun
intended there...... which is why we offered Brad at significantly more
money than he is earning as a member of the Senior Executive Service".
As it turns out, we were quite lucky to be able to hire Brad because he
was set to retire from government service and was looking for a
follow-on job where his government and political connections could be
put to productive use. The DC revolving door system offers him that
golden opportunity."

Asked how a permit process could contain Internet file swapping, it was
revealed that the final details had not been completely worked out. "We
are proud of the fact that Brad's IFSP proposal will enable us to take
the high ground by exempting lawful permittees from the civil lawsuit
process as long as they comply with certain highly reasonable conditions
that balance Hollywood recording industry needs for cash flow with the
public interest in music".

In a leaked document which is being circulated around recording labels
for comment, the new IFSP proposal would allow all individuals to keep
an unlimited amount of music files on their hard drives, as long as they
didn't exceed 63.5 kilobytes per file. For .mp3 files greater than
63.5K, a IFSP would be required. When pressed about the small file size
and audio quality, the RIAA official stated "Hey, we are letting people
listen to all the extremely compressed low fidelity audio all they want
to. If they want high fidelity audio, they are free to split the larger
file sizes into 63.5K segments, as long as they can't be sequentially
linked on the same computer to play a complete high fidelity song".
"Of course, if they get a IFSP they can listen to all the high fidelity
music they want as long as they comply with certain easy requirements".

Despite RIAA claims, the IFSP proposal is sure to be controversial with
most internet music listeners. It requires a lengthy form to be filled
out, a photo, fingerprints, and a $100 processing fee "so that we can be
sure .mp3 owners are not on our music piracy watch list". Following a
brief several month wait, a personal interview with a RIAA official
where the rules are explained and a special book of terms and conditions
is presented, along with a physical inspection of the premises, will
take place. Following approval of the paperwork, file downloader's will
be provided with paper and digital certificates allowing them to access
certain RIAA certified file servers where the files are obtained in
exchange for a payment for each song. In the event that RIAA denies the
IFSP, the $100 will be refunded and the denied individual will be
provided a list of local music stores where they can purchase audio CDs
that routinely sell at a higher cost than the more difficult to
manufacture DVD movies.

Because of the desirability of high quality .mp3 files by music
terrorists, special file transfer protocols and computer physical
security requirements will have to be met prior to issuing of the permit
and digital certificates.

The primary restriction is that all transfers of high quality files can
only be made to other IFSP holders as long as the "seller" erases his
copy upon transfer and documents this in a paper log that is subject to
inspection and physical comparison to the hard drive contents by a RIAA
field agent. Individuals transferring the high fidelity file must first
verify that the receiver is permitted by RIAA to possess the file.

However, there are some flexibilities in the provisions since it allows
non-IFSP individuals to listen to analog music output generated by the
digital file if least one IFSP individual is present while the music is
being played. A digital copy can also be transferred to a non-permittee
as long as the individual without the permit plays the music on their
equipment in the continual presence of the IFSP, and the IFSP personally
ensures the file is immediately erased after playing. Failure to comply
with these provisions can lead to civil penalties.

Since permittee hard drives containing high quality files will be highly
desirable by "criminal and terrorist music interests", a physical
security inspection will be required prior to award of the IFSP.
Briefly, IFSP computer cases will be required to be constructed out of
at least 12 gauge steel, and will need to be secured by special locks
and steel banding to the external structure they are located in. As an
added security precaution, a two different special keys with at least 7
pins each will be required to activate the computer's power supply prior
to booting up the computer to access the digital audio file. For those
individuals that are unable to comply with physical computer security
requirements, a removable hard drive waiver may be authorized, as long
as the RIAA inspecting agent verifies that the permittee has at least a
45 minute tamper resistant safe for hard drive storage, and that the
safe is secured in the dwelling garage, preferably by bolting from the
inside to at least one 2x4 or larger structural member. After the
proper paperwork is filled out RIAA officials in Washington DC may
authorize this garage storage variance, subject to prior local
government concurrence that loud Rap music doesn't pose a threat to the
hearing ability of the building occupants and nearby residents.

Digital files may be transported by a .mp3 device from the storage PC,
but these files must either be returned to the storage PC or erased
within 24 hours.

Any theft of a IFSP computer, hard drive, or individual digital file
must be promptly reported to RIAA within 24 hours, or significant civil
penalties may be imposed.

In closing, the RIAA official stated "We are extremely confident the
techniques and systems proposed by Mr. Buckles will clamp down on music
piracy and music terrorism".

The RIAA official firmly stated "no comment" and terminated the
discussion when pressed on the issue of whether these proposed measures
would be effective at stopping truly determined music pirates whom are
intent on committing acts of music terrorism, particularly when digital
files are readily available overseas on the black market, are not
vigorously controlled, and the Internet "leaks like a sieve".

Copyright 2003 (BS), all rights reserved.

Moment...ich bin hier nicht im Satire-Forum?
Bizarr...unglaublich...
The Land of Glory Buckles and Freedom Fries!

Allein das Wort "music terrorism"...geil...

Kapitalism-with-a-K kills

@Tom: Echt krass ,bin ich auch drüber gestolpert.

Jochen

Schade dass hier so wenige reagiert haben. Der erste Absatz ist die reine Wahrheit, wörtlich kopiert aus einer amerikanischen Tageszeitung. Der Rest ist frei erfunden, auch wenn es traurigerweise realistisch erscheint.

Oliver